Home At Last
by hexumhunnie311
Summary: Entry for the “For the Love of Jasper” Contest. Childhood friends Jasper and Alice met under sad circumstances, only to be forced apart a few years later. Will pain-ridden Jasper ever fill the void in his heart left by Alice? Angst, AH, AU.


**"For the Love of Jasper" One-Shot Contest**

**Title:** Home At Last

**Pen name:** hexumhunnie311

**Existing Work:** N/A

**Primary Players:** Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. Charles Dickens owns the majority of the opening line. No copyright infringement is intended.

**To see other entries in the "For the Love of Jasper" contest, please visit the C2:  
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/For_the_Love_of_Jasper_Contest/72564/**

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**A/N: **Thanks to my rehab ladies for basically peer-pressuring me into submitting this when I was too nervous to just do it myself, haha.

This is all from Jasper POV. That's all you need to know, so enjoy!

* * *

My father was dead, to begin with.

He had been an average man. He had an average income and an average house in an average neighbourhood. Nothing exciting ever happened to him, but he was happy leading his average life.

And one day he died, from something as average as a heart attack. But on that day, I knew nothing would be average again.

Even at seven, I knew what death meant. My grandmother had passed away the year before. I'd asked Mom what it meant to die, and she told me that it meant Grandma had gone to the same place that my goldfish had. I had cried, because Grandma always gave me candy and when she hugged me she smelled like powder and cookies and the thought of never seeing her again made me sad.

So when they took my dad to the hospital in the big ambulance with the lights that hurt my eyes and the siren that hurt my ears and my mom and I followed in the car, I'd asked her if he was going to see Grandma, and if she thought he'd take care of my goldfish.

She didn't even look at me.

When we got to the hospital, she made me sit in an uncomfortable chair while she went to talk to a man in green clothes. He had a bandana around his head and a weird white mask around his face. When he walked up to my mom, he pulled off the mask and shook his head slowly. My mom started crying and collapsed to the floor. I ran to her and tried to hug her, but she pushed me away, saying she couldn't look at me, that I looked too much like him, and he was gone.

I knew Dad had gone to see Grandma then.

By the time the funeral came around a week later, my mother still hadn't looked at me, had barely spoken to me, and she wouldn't hold me when I cried. And I cried a lot, because not only did I miss my dad, but I missed my mom too.

The funeral was small. We didn't have a lot of family, and the population of Forks was too small for it to ever host anything that could be considered 'crowded'. At the funeral home, my dad's dark brown casket was opened so everyone could see him one last time. I walked up holding my mom's hand, shaking because I didn't know what to expect. I hadn't been allowed to go to my grandma's funeral – my dad thought I was too young. I realized he'd probably be thinking the same thing right now.

I peeked into the casket hesitantly, but relaxed almost immediately. It was just my dad. He looked like he was sleeping. His curly blonde hair was arranged perfectly, and even though his skin looked a little waxy and way too pale, it was still him. I wanted him to wake up, and thought for a moment he would, that he would open his crystal blue eyes and it would have all been some weird joke.

But after a few minutes, when he didn't move, didn't open his eyes, didn't ruffle his hands through my identical blonde curls like he always did, I knew he was gone. And that it wasn't even him in that casket anymore. It was like the discarded shell of a cicada, or the shed skin of a snake. It looked like him, and held his shape, but there was no life, no soul inside.

After the viewing, my dad's casket was taken to the cemetery. It was a perfect summer day, warm with a cool breeze, and a rare day of sunshine in rainy Forks. My mother never let go of my hand, but still wouldn't look at me. We all stood around the casket, which was now sitting on a platform and covered in yellow flowers.

The tombstone was simple, just like everything else about my father's life.

_James Jasper "J.J." Whitlock_

_Born November 14, 1954_

_Died June 28, 1989_

_Beloved husband, son, and father_

"_It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death." – Thomas Mann_

A tiny, ancient and wrinkled priest began speaking, but I wasn't listening to a word of it. I was focused on the large framed photo of my dad that sat on his casket. He was smiling, as usual. I was sitting on his shoulders, giggling and eating an ice cream cone which, unbeknownst to my dad, was melting and dripping into his hair. We'd taken that photo just two weeks ago.

The tears I'd been holding in all day spilled over, but I kept quiet. I pulled my hand from my mother's grasp and slipped out of the small crowd.

She didn't try to stop me.

I ran away from my father's funeral and through the cemetery, seeing that there were a few other services going on at the same time. I ran to the edge of the grounds and sat down in the shade of a tall oak tree. I was worried my mom would be mad, because my suit was brand new.

I picked up a stick from the ground and began poking it into the dirt, breaking it into several pieces in the process. I pulled my arm back, ready to throw what was left of it, when a small body plopped down beside me.

I lowered my arm and looked over and my eyes met the deep blue of theirs. I gasped, shocked at their nearness, and scooted back to see who this person was.

It was a girl. She looked like she was my age, but at the same time she was unbelievably tiny. She had black hair with bangs, the rest pulled back into a low ponytail, tied with a black bow. She wore a small black dress with saddle shoes. She was sitting cross-legged, smiling softly at me, and I could see that she'd been crying recently.

"I'm sorry if I scared you," she said quietly, in a squeaky soprano voice.

I shook my head. "You didn't, not really."

"My name is Alice." She stuck out her tiny hand.

I took it and shook. "Jasper."

She smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. She turned forward, out towards the graves.

"Who died?" she asked with no emotion. I looked at her, shocked, until I realized that she most likely came from one of the other funerals and we were obviously here for the same reason.

"My dad."

She nodded. "I'm sorry Jasper."

"Why? It's not like it's your fault." That had always confused me. Why would someone apologize for something they didn't do?

She shrugged.

"You?" I asked.

"My mommy."

I paused, unsure what to say.

"I'm sorry too, Alice."

She looked back at me and gave me another small smile. "Why? It's not like it's your fault."

I chuckled for the first time in a week.

Her smile fell soon after. It broke my heart, making it hurt worse than it already did. For some reason, seeing this girl sad was painful. I needed to make her smile again.

"My mom said that my dad could take care of my goldfish, because they were going to be in the same place."

Alice brightened slightly, the small smile returning to her lips. "Well, I guess that means my mom can take care of my hamster, and they'll have each other, so they won't be lonely."

She frowned again. "But I'll be lonely," she said so quietly I almost didn't hear her.

I smiled, scooted closer, and put my arm around her shoulders, hugging her to me.

"No you won't, little one. Because now you have me. And I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

_Eight years later…_

"Mom, I'm going to meet Alice at the movies!" I shouted into the living room as I bounded down the stairs and towards the front door. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her raise her arm from the couch to acknowledge me, her hand grasping a tumbler filled with scotch, or whisky, or whatever the hell else was still stocked in her liquor cabinet, on the rocks.

It had been eight years, and my mother still hadn't looked at me.

I sprinted out the door and jumped on my bike, riding off towards the small two-screen cinema in town. It was a hot July day and the sweat quickly began pouring down my back. Alice was already waiting outside when I got there, her shoulder length hair blowing around her face and her skirt whipping around her knees in the breeze from passing cars. Though now almost fifteen, she was still such a tiny thing, and I practically towered over her even though I was the same age. I parked my bike against a tree and chained it, then trotted up to Alice so we could go inside.

She smiled brightly as I approached her, always so happy to see me.

"Hi Jazz! I already got some candy – Twizzlers, Swedish Fish, and of course your favourite, Reese's Pieces!"

"Sweet! Thanks Ali. Drinks and tickets are my treat."

We went inside and I grabbed the tickets and two Pepsi's, then we made our way to the theatre.

As soon as we sat down, Alice ripped open the Twizzlers and began happily munching away.

"So what is this movie about Jazz?"

"Um, aliens I think. But it's funny. Will Smith is in it."

She smiled and kept eating. The movie soon started, and Alice reminded me yet again of why we usually don't go to the theatre to watch movies.

"Whoa, Jazz did you see that guy run up the wall?! Do you think he's an alien?"

"They go by letters instead of names?"

"Ohhh look how cute that baby alien-squid-thing is! It looks like it's sucking its thumb!"

"Oh no, Jazz, the big roach-alien is sneaking up behind them! Do you see it!?"

"Wow. The earth is just a marble in a giant alien's game. Do you think the universe is really like that?"

She asked me that as we were walking out, avoiding the glares from other movie-goers because of her constant interruptions. I had to laugh.

"No Ali. I don't think we're just part of some giant alien game of marbles."

She smiled and shrugged. I shook my head, but really, it was one of the things I loved about Alice. She was quirky and fun, and had a permanent childlike-innocence about her that always made me smile. She'd been my best friend for eight years. Not a day went by that we weren't together. We were in the same class at school, went to the same summer camp for a few weeks every June, and in the meantime we were inseparable.

"Well, I have to go home early. Dad's making a special dinner for some reason and said he has to tell me something exciting. Sorry you can't come over, is your mom going to cook tonight?"

I shrugged. "If she isn't drunk I guess. Call me later and tell me what happened?"

She nodded, hugged me, then jumped on her bike and rode off in one direction while I rode off in the other.

I waited. And waited.

I waited until almost midnight, even though I knew Alice had to be in bed by ten, but she never called.

She didn't call the next day either.

On the third day, I called her, but there was no answer. It was the longest we'd ever gone without seeing each other, let alone without speaking to each other.

On the fourth day, the schedule for my sophomore year of high school came in the mail. I didn't even look at it, refusing to break the tradition I had with Alice, and worried I wouldn't have any classes with her.

On the fifth day, I finally got fed up and rode over to her house. Her dad's car wasn't there but I saw Alice's bike out front. She never left her bike out of the garage if she wasn't home. I ran up the porch steps and knocked loudly on the door.

No answer.

I knocked again, even louder, and started yelling.

"Alice, I know you're in there, what the hell?! Why are you avoiding me?! Are you ok? Please answer me, I've been so worried! ALICE?!"

Suddenly the door swung open and I came face to face with Alice, shocked at what I saw. It was like I'd stepped back in time eight years to that day in the cemetery when Alice and I first locked eyes. Her hair was pulled back, her now more stylish bangs falling into her eyes. She had definitely been crying, and was wearing all black. I immediately thought the worst.

"Oh Alice, no. Your dad?"

She shook her head quickly, and I sighed in relief. She took two quick steps towards me and threw herself in my arms, sobbing loudly. I rubbed her back and squeezed her tightly, shushing her and telling her it would all be ok, even though I didn't know what 'it' was.

She finally took a step away, grabbed my hand, and pulled me inside. She walked me over to the couch and we sat down. She immediately tucked herself into my side and continued crying.

"Alice, you're freaking me out. Please, please tell me what's wrong. I'm your best friend, you know you can talk to me about anything."

She took some deep breaths and finally calmed down.

"Jasper…"

"I'm here little one. Tell me. Does it have to with what happened at dinner with your dad?"

She nodded.

"Jazz, my dad…met someone. A woman. They're getting married."

It surprised me, but I was more shocked that it had hit Alice so hard. She always wanted her dad to move on and be happy.

"Isn't that a good thing Alice? That your dad will be happy?"

"Yes. I'm happy for him. That's not why I'm upset."

I waited for her to continue.

"He met her when he was at a conference on the east coast. Remember that week I stayed at your house in March? Well I guess they've kept in contact and she's come out here a few times to see him and now they're getting married. And…and…oh Jasper! I'm moving away! They want to go back to where she lives! We're leaving in a week!"

I froze but tightened my grip.

No.

NO.

They couldn't take her. I wouldn't let them. She was all I had. My own mother wouldn't look at me. I had no other family, no other friends. Alice was my sun and moon, my night and day, she was with me when I was awake, and with me in my dreams. She was the other half of my heart and soul.

And she was leaving, moving 3,000 miles away, and I might never see her again.

"No Alice. No. You can't leave. You can come live with me."

She shook her head. "I actually already tried that Jazz. My dad said absolutely not. I don't have a choice."

"Then we'll run away. I have some money from when I raked leaves last fall, and you have some from babysitting the Cheney kids. We'll pool our resources, and – "

"Jasper."

I sighed at the finality of her tone. I knew that tone well, knew that when she said my name that way that the conversation was over.

We both fell silent, just sitting on the couch and holding each other. When her dad came home he saw us sitting there, but didn't say a word.

For the next week, we spent every day on that couch, hugging and crying, barely saying a word, while the packing boxes began stacking up around us. My mom didn't even notice I was only there when it was bedtime, and left as soon as it was light out.

The last day Alice would be in Forks, I helped her pack up her room. We laughed and reminisced when we found photos, quoted lines from our favourite movies when we found ticket stubs, and made fun of past teachers when we found old tests and homework assignments. I stayed for dinner, and we spent the cool summer evening on the porch swing, hugging and chatting about nothing in particular.

When it neared ten o'clock, Alice's dad came out to say it was time for her to go to bed. She stood quickly and rushed to the door. I thought she was going to run inside and not say goodbye, but she stopped at the last minute. She didn't turn to look at me.

"Come back in the morning. Before we leave. Please Jazz?"

"Of course," I said.

She nodded, then ran inside and shut the door, locking it.

The next morning, I overslept. It was nearly 8am when I shot out of bed and jumped on my bike, not even bothering to get dressed. I was terrified the whole ride through town.

_Please don't let her have left yet. Please let her still be there. Please._

A large moving van drove past me, and I braked quickly.

_No. No no no._

I looked back at the retreating van and panicked. Did I miss her?

I car horn blared near me and I snapped my eyes forward and watched as Alice's father pulled off to the side of the road. Alice jumped out before the car had even stopped completely. She ran to me and jumped into my arms as I jumped off of my bike, just in time to catch her.

"I thought you weren't going to come," she sobbed into my neck.

"I told you you'd always have me, little one. I'd never let you leave without saying goodbye."

"I'll write, and call you all the time."

"You better."

She squeezed me tighter, but all too soon, her dad called out of the window that it was time to go. I kissed her cheek and set her back on the ground, giving her one last hug before stepping back.

She looked up at me through red, puffy eyes.

"Goodbye, Jasper."

"Goodbye, Alice."

I watched as she walked backwards towards the car, never breaking eye contact with me. Even as she sat down and shut the door, she watched me through the wind screen. As her dad pulled away she twisted in her seat to keep watching me, through the passenger window, through the back window, until she was finally out of sight.

During their trip across the country, Alice sent me a postcard from every town they stopped in. When they arrived on the east coast, and for the next month until school started, she called me every day. We'd talk about her new neighbourhood, whether or not she made any friends, and how she liked her new step-mom. She mailed me pictures of the wedding, where she was a bridesmaid. She looked like an angel.

Once school started, the calls came about once a week. I understood, because she was busy getting used to a new school.

By Thanksgiving, it was about once a month. I chalked it up to midterms.

By Christmas, the calls stopped completely.

I still called her, as often as I could, but I always got her dad, and she'd always be out, or sleeping, or doing homework.

By the time the second semester of school started, I hadn't talked to her in two months. It was excruciating. The longer we went without speaking, the more my heart hurt, like a hole had opened there and couldn't heal. My mother was still ignoring me. I hadn't seen her eyes in almost nine years. Most nights she was too drunk to make dinner. I hadn't made any friends, because I missed Alice too much, and compared everyone to her.

She missed my birthday. She'd _never_ missed my birthday before. She was the only one who ever remembered. That day, I finally cried.

When summer rolled around I was completely depressed.

I didn't have anyone.

I didn't belong anywhere.

* * *

_Two years later…_

"Fuck Jazz, make me come baby."

I yanked on Jessica's frizzy-ass hair, making her yelp.

"I told you not to call me that."

She kept her stupid mouth quiet after that, except for the occasional moan while I fucked her on top of toilet paper rolls and cleaning supplies.

Ah, the janitor's closet. The perfect place for my little rendezvous with the unavailable ladies of Forks High.

Yes. I, Jasper Whitlock, had become somewhat of a playboy. I didn't date. I didn't romance. I didn't kiss. I fucked. And I only fucked girls with boyfriends. My _excuse_ was that they wouldn't get clingy with me if they had another guy to go home to.

The _reason_ was because they were happy, and I wanted them to feel pain, like the pain I felt everyday in that hole in my heart that would never heal.

Because of _her_.

I snapped myself out of it and refocused on the back of Jessica's frizzy brown head before I went down that path again. I had a job to finish.

A few more quick, hard thrusts and with a groan I began pulsing into the condom restraining my dick. Jessica shuddered and tightened around me at the same time. I pulled out quickly, yanking the condom off and tying off the end to prevent any spillage, then righting my pants while Jessica pulled her panties up and her skirt down. She smirked at me as she walked out the door and into the hallway – smack into Mike Newton, her boyfriend.

I smiled to myself as I slipped out after her and saw the confused look on Mike's face. I felt the condom still in my hand and decided to clear things up for him.

"Here Jess, you can take care of this. It was yours after all." I tossed the condom at her, and she caught it by reflex, only to be horrified by what it was. Mike's face gradually turned redder and redder as his eyes went from me to Jessica, like he was watching a tennis match. He finally stopped on Jessica.

"What the hell Jess? Did you just fuck him?"

I turned and headed down the hallway towards my locker to grab my books for my next class, the lunch hour almost over. I snickered as I turned the corner and heard Mike blow up and Jessica begin to cry.

God, I was a son-of-a-bitch.

And I fucking loved it.

I opened my locker to get out my biology book and was checking to make sure I didn't have sex hair when a huge body checked me into the wall. I prepared myself to punch whoever it was, until I heard the booming laugh.

"Emmett, you fucker, what was that for?"

One of the two people I actually spoke to in this fucking hole of a school, Emmett McCarty, was behind me, guffawing like the dumb meathead he was. The guy was the size of a small whale, and could probably crush your head in his fist if he really wanted to. But he probably wouldn't ever want to, because the guy was really a big softie. His muscles made him intimidating, but his dimples made moms want to pinch his cheeks and swept girls off their feet. Only one girl had ever swept Emmett off of his.

I felt a smack on the back of my head.

_Ah, speak of the harpy…_

"Jasper, did you just _fuck _that skanky Jessica Stanley in the janitor's closet? She's probably riddled with VD, she dates Newton after all."

"Good afternoon to you too Rosalie. Did you have a pleasant lunch?"

"Fuck off Jasper. You know damn well it would have been better if Newton wasn't running around like a puppy, annoying the crap out of everyone because he couldn't find his bitch."

Emmett laughed again, then bumped knuckles with me. Rosalie huffed, disgusted, and stormed away to class.

"Seriously Jasper, did you really just fuck Stanley?"

"So what if I did?"

Emmett paused.

"Nasty."

"Whatever. She was good for a quickie. Just like all the rest of them."

Emmett shook his head.

"I don't know Jasper. I mean, I fucking hate Newton so I don't give a shit about that, but Tyler? He's usually pretty chill, but now he's angry and depressed all the time since he found out you boned Lauren. You sort of fucked him up."

I shrugged, remembering last month when I'd talked Lauren Mallory into joining me in the closet. She was a slut, but she'd been faithful to Tyler for a while and they were just a little too happy for my taste. It ended up being far too easy to get her in there. I knew Tyler had a tiny dick, having seen pretty much every dude in the locker room for the last four years. The offer of a shaft that could actually satisfy her apparently set her pussy on fire, because she practically threw me into that closet and hopped right on before I could blink. Then she rushed out so fast she didn't even put her panties back on. Tyler didn't catch her coming out of the closet, and that was just not going to fly. Later, when I saw them walking to his car in the parking lot, I walked right over.

"Lauren, you forgot these."

I'd tossed the panties right in Tyler's face. He didn't say a word, just looked at them, looked at me, looked at her, then got into his car, slammed the door and drove away, leaving her stranded. Well, I sure as fuck wasn't giving her _another _ride that day.

The bell rang, bringing me back into the present. Emmett and I walked off to biology and sat in our usual table behind Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. I'm not gonna lie, that Swan chick was pretty hot, and what made things even better was that she'd recently started dating Cullen. In another month, once they were all blissfully happy and trusted each other, she'd be my next conquest. Emmett saw how I was looking at her, quickly scribbled something on a scrap of paper and slid it over to me.

_Dude. Don't. Even. Think about it._

I scribbled back.

_She's hot and happy, so why the fuck not?_

Emmett sighed and shook his head.

_She's Chief Swan's daughter, that's why the fuck not. You'll be in deep shit J-dawg_

Hmm. That was a potential issue, but not one that would really stop me.

_Don't worry E, I have a way with women._

* * *

"Jasper, don't fucking do it. In fact, stop doing this shit all together. You're going to get syphilis. Or you're going to get the shit beat out of you. I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. And Emmett won't always be there to back you up."

I had to admit, Rose had a point. It was shocking that I hadn't even had a punch thrown at me yet by any of the guys I'd dicked over. The girls were always blamed, and I always got to keep doing what I was doing. I'll admit that one of the draws of having Emmett as a friend was that most people stayed out of my way by association. But it wouldn't last, couldn't last.

I almost looked forward to that day. It would be a different kind of pain than the one I always felt in my chest. I could have a hole in my head instead of a hole in my heart.

I knew I still didn't really have a place anywhere. I still had no relationship with my mother, who was more of a drunk than ever. I still didn't have any real friends. Emmett and Rose were cool, but they didn't really know me, didn't really know the reason I acted this way.

_Alice._

Just thinking her name made me flinch, and yet I still missed her so much, every day. I hadn't heard from her since that Christmas after she left, and without her in my life I was only half a person, desperately trying to feel something other than pain, and pushing my misery on those around me. I didn't belong around people.

I didn't really belong anywhere.

"Jasper, are you listening to me? Are you drunk again?"

I snapped back to reality.

"Why yes my lovely flower, I met up with my good buddies Jim and Jack this morning. They said to tell you hello, and that they miss you terribly."

"Please, Jasper. You know José will always be the only man for me," she laughed.

Emmett finally piped up.

"I think you should stay away from Swan, man. Cullen could seriously fuck you up. And she's a sweet girl. You know, you're a good-looking guy. You could knock all this shit off and actually find a good girl and be happy with her."

It wasn't often that Emmett was serious, and when he was, everyone listened. But not this time, not today.

Today, I would have Bella Swan.

"Sorry buddy, no can do. Not yet. Maybe she'll be my last." I laughed at my statement, knowing damn well that wasn't true. I still had a two months left of my senior year. I could still wreak plenty of havoc in that time. Emmett rolled his eyes and Rose clucked her tongue at me in disapproval. I rose from my chair in the cafeteria and set off to find Bella.

I found her at her locker, luckily Cullen-less. It looked like the door was stuck and she was having a hell of a time trying to get it open.

I sauntered up to her and banged the top of the door with my fist, making her jump but popping the locker open.

She looked up at me, startled.

"Jesus Whitlock. Or should I call you The Fonz now? Um, thanks for that."

I chuckled, then turned on the charm.

"Did you know, in Italian, that 'Bella' means 'beautiful'?"

She turned and sort of laughed at me.

"That's the worst pick-up line ever and it's been done many, many times before."

Bella faced her locker again and continued rummaging around in it. I was a bit shocked. No one had ever resisted me when I started the charm. I kept trying, getting close to her ear and dropping my voice.

"Have _you _been done many, many times before Bella? Because I would gladly help you out with that."

She whipped around toward me, wide-eyed.

"Did you seriously just ask me to have sex with you?"

"Would you prefer the term 'make love'? I'm flexible." I ran my finger up and down her bare arm. "Are you flexible Bella? We could have a lot of fun."

She shuddered slightly. I smirked. It was working.

"I…uh…I'm with Edward, you know."

Excellent, she was getting flustered. Her breathing hitched a bit as I whispered into her ear, my voice low and husky.

"Does Edward know how to make you feel good, Bella?"

"Oh…uh…I don't…I mean, we haven't really…gotten that far, I guess…"

"Well, I could show you how it's done. Then maybe when the time came for you and Edward, you could dazzle him with your skills. He wouldn't know about it Bella. Just between you and me, for educational purposes." I winked at her.

She stared for a moment. Then shook her head.

"No, thank you, Jasper. I'm flattered but, I care about Edward and I wouldn't do that to him."

I grabbed her arm gently. "Oh, come on Bella, it's no big deal."

She pulled away from me and glared. "Please stop, Jasper."

I did stop. I'd never force a girl. I was a dick, but not that much of a dick. Bella would remain my only failed conquest. And she and Cullen would remain blissfully happy, and would probably get married after high school and ride off into the sunset together.

I hated them.

But I was so fucking jealous of them.

I took the rest of the school year to regroup from my failed attempt at Bella. I had no college plans, and instead was going to go across the country on a road trip. When Emmett hounded me about school I said it wasn't my thing. When he asked why a road trip, my _excuse _was that I wanted to fuck a girl from every state.

The _reason _was that I just wanted to find some place that I belonged.

I didn't even go to graduation. Why bother? My mother wasn't going to sober up long enough for it, and I honestly didn't give a shit about celebrating with my peers. On the last day of school I said my goodbyes to Em and Rose, then made one final stop home before beginning my trip.

I had mentioned this trip to my mom several times, but I think she was too plastered to hear any of it. When I got home, she was sitting on the couch, in the same spot that she'd sat every day for the last eleven years. She didn't have to work because it turned out that my dad's life insurance policy was ridiculous and could continue feeding her addiction for probably another decade.

I didn't plan on sticking around to watch it happen.

I walked up to her and tried to get her attention.

"Mom? Can you hear me? I'm leaving now, on my road trip?"

She didn't even acknowledge my presence.

"Mom? Hello? I'm leaving for like, six months. Can't you at least say goodbye?"

She stood up from the couch with her empty glass and went to refill her drink. I snapped.

"WILL YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME?!"

I'd never screamed at her before. Ever. It finally got her attention. She whirled around and looked me right in the eye.

Her eyes were green. I'd actually forgotten.

The second she looked at me, she burst into tears. I tried to go to her, to hold her, just like that day in the hospital.

And just like that day in the hospital, she pushed me away, told me to leave, that she still couldn't look at me.

I stood, grabbed my keys and my duffel bag, and stormed out of the house without a word or a glance backwards.

On my way out of town, I stopped at the cemetery. It had been years since I'd visited my dad.

I sat in front of the slightly weathered stone and sighed.

"I'm leaving today Dad. Going on a little trip to find myself. I wish you could be here to come with me, I think we'd have a great time."

I paused, thinking of what else to say.

"Mom's in a pretty bad way these days. She won't look at me or let me touch her. I yelled at her. I feel bad. I think if you were still here, we'd be happy, and maybe I'd be going to college, and maybe have a girlfriend. And maybe I wouldn't be such a fuck-up."

I felt the tears welling in my eyes and decided it was time to go. I stood, brushed the dirt off of my pants, and started to leave. I couldn't keep my eyes away from the large oak tree on the edge of the grounds. If I concentrated hard enough, I could almost see a little boy and a little girl sitting under that tree, both sad, but happy that they'd found each other. I wiped the one stray tear off of my cheek and headed to my car.

On my way out of town, I chucked my cell phone out the window. There would be no one I wanted to talk to on this trip. I was on my own.

As usual.

* * *

_One year later…_

Fuck, I'd actually missed Forks.

There was nowhere in the continental US that compared to the lush green of the Olympic Peninsula, and some of the ache in my heart subsided when I crossed into its borders.

I was finally heading back to my house. Back to my mother. I hoped she'd forgive me for yelling and storming out all those months ago.

I actually missed Emmett and Rose, and wondered if they'd be home from school for the summer. I hadn't spoken to a single soul from this town for an entire year while I was travelling, and it would be good to talk to the only people who ever gave a shit about me. Two of the three, at least.

My trip had been almost everything I'd wanted it to be. I met a lot of people. I fucked a lot of women. I'd work odd jobs in odd towns to pay for hotels and food and gas, and when I got bored I'd move on to somewhere else. I saw the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore. I swam in the Atlantic, the Pacific, and the Gulf of Mexico. I saw Niagara Falls on both the American and Canadian side. I partied in NYC and Boston, and spent nights looking out over the bayou in Louisiana. I was almost killed in a tornado in Kansas, and almost eaten by an alligator in Florida. I'd been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

_Except…_

Except there was no place that I wanted to stay. No place that felt right, comfortable. No place that healed the hole in my heart and took the pain from my chest.

I didn't belong in any of those places.

And finally it was dawning on me that maybe, just maybe, I didn't belong anywhere.

So I was going back to Forks, the only place I really knew.

I navigated the roads easily, like I'd never even left, and was quickly on the way to my mother's house, actually sort of happy to see her.

I pulled up to the house, and time seemed to stop.

In the driveway was an ambulance next to a police car, both with lights flashing. Standing on the porch next to the open front door was Emmett, with his arms wrapped around Rosalie, who looked like she might be crying.

Rosalie never cried.

Something was very, very wrong.

What was left of my heart plummeted into my stomach as I tore from the car and up the steps. Emmett and Rosalie both looked up and were completely shocked to see me standing there. I made to go into the house but Emmett quickly stepped in front of me.

"Jasper, you shouldn't…we wanted to call but you didn't have a phone, we didn't know where you were…you shouldn't go in there, just come over to my car and we'll talk and – "

I didn't let him finish, quickly shoving him out of my way with strength that startled even me. I rushed into the house just in time to see a few men in paramedic uniforms wheel someone on a gurney towards the door.

That someone was in a body bag.

I looked around for some clue of what was happening and who could be in there. It couldn't be my mother. It couldn't be her.

I looked to my right and saw that the door to the downstairs bathroom was open and there were a few policemen inside. I hesitantly walked to the door, dreading what I would see.

Razor blades and…and, oh god, the blood.

It looked like the bathtub was filled with it.

I immediately retched onto the floor and the officers looked up, shocked to see me there. I recognized Charlie Swan.

"Jasper, you shouldn't be here. I'm…I'm so sorry, son."

I looked up at him.

"Why? It's not like it's your fault."

Then everything went black.

* * *

My mother was dead, to end with.

She had been a simple woman. She'd loved an average man who, upon leaving this life, brought her pain that was undeniably complicated.

And one day she took her own life in a simple way. And on that day, I thought I would never be whole again.

Her suicide note was simple, yet pained, like the rest of her life.

_Tell Jasper I'm sorry, that I love him, and that I'll miss his crystal blue eyes_.

There was no viewing for my mother. She had no friends, no family. In fact, the only people who came to the cemetery were Rosalie, Emmett, Charlie Swan, and myself.

That day, I was glad I'd never fucked Charlie Swan's daughter.

My mother's light brown casket stood on a platform, with a few roses on it and her wedding photo. I chose it because I knew, on that day, that she was the happiest woman on the planet.

Her tombstone stood next to my father's, and was average, just like his. I chose the epitaph because, in the brief moments when she wasn't drunk, I'd seen her reading the books, and thought maybe she'd actually enjoyed them.

_Angela Bree Masen Whitlock_

_Born October 4, 1955_

_Died June 28, 2001_

_Beloved wife, daughter, and mother_

"_It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more." – J.K. Rowling_

I swear that same tiny, ancient and wrinkled priest that had buried my father was there, and when he began speaking, and I almost laughed.

And then I cried.

Once the service was over and my mother was being lowered into the ground, I shook Charlie Swan's hand and then told Rose and Emmett that I'd see them later. Then I wandered over to the edge of the grounds, where a tall oak tree cast its shadow on the grass.

And under that tree stood a small woman, dressed in black. She had short, black hair that was spiked up on her head and around her face. She was wearing black heels, not saddle shoes. Even from here I could see the deep blue of her eyes. It looked like she'd been crying.

It had been twelve years to the day since that tiny seven-year-old sat under that tree. It had been nearly five years since I'd seen that fourteen-year-old girl's face.

But I'd know Alice anywhere.

I kept walking towards her and she met my gaze. When I finally reached her I stopped and waited. I had no idea what to say.

We stood in silence for a few minutes until finally, she spoke. She sounded like an angel.

"I'm sorry about your mom, Jazz."

I couldn't help the smirk that crossed my lips as I looked down at her, as beautiful as the day I'd met her under this very tree.

"Why? It's not like it's your fault."

Alice smiled brightly at me, though it soon faltered. I could always tell when she didn't know what to say.

I sighed. "I've been waiting a long time for you. I was…I was so lonely."

She smiled that angel's smile again and took my hand. "I know. And I'm so, so sorry. But now you have me. I'm not going anywhere."

I let out a deep breath, stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her. She fit into me perfectly.

And all at once, the pain in my chest subsided, and I felt that hole in my heart seal shut.

After all this time, I found the place that I belonged.

I was home at last.

* * *

**A/N:** Um, I sort of cried writing this.

Some references in case you didn't get them:

- The movie Alice and Jasper saw in the summer of 1997 was Men In Black

- Jim and Jack, the men Jasper met up with before school = Jim Beam (bourbon) and Jack Daniels (whiskey)

- José, the only man for Rosalie = José Cuervo (tequila)

- The Fonz = Arthur Fonzarelli, character from '70s show Happy Days. Could turn things on/fix them with a hit of his fist

Also, in case you didn't notice, Jasper's mom took her life on the anniversary of her husband's death

Hope you all enjoyed, please review…and VOTE! :)

Thank you to ElleCC and LaViePastiche for hosting this contest!


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